Thirteen years seems like a long time. In that period, I went to college, then grad school, worked in SF, moved to NY and now reside in Paris. I was just a kid, just months from being 18, but on this day 13 years ago, I grew up. Life suddenly became very real and very finite. One phone call is all it takes to change your life forever, makes your hatred for certain adults very focused and founded in their basis. It is also all it takes to realize all of the "what ifs," " should haves" and "never agains." What if I had never been cruel, what if I had been home, what if I had disposed of the source of the pain long ago. I should have done all of those things, regardless of the drastic change it would have had on my personal life, but would have spared others. Never again will I get to share a story of my life, you will never meet anyone that is important to me nor be there for any momentous occasion. Of course, the memory will not disappear and thirteen years is nothing compared to knowing you for 14 years. I understand why you chose to leave, I applaud your bravery and determination. It was no easy decision and I am sure it was not made in a day. I saw your pain, your walks in silence around the dining room table when you thought no one was watching. You were not meant for this world, but you were a beautiful part of it. I am so thankful that you were in my life, and your death has made me a stronger person. I will not let anyone hurt me, and I will never let (if I can help it) anyone hurt those that I love. I do not love carelessly, and when I do love it is unconditionally. I see people for who they are, almost instantly. I do not trouble myself with false friendships and try to avoid the toxic people I encounter along life's path. I may not always succeed, but because I know that in one day I could lose the one's I love, there is no other way to love than unconditionally and specifically. I also know what it is to love myself, and seek to find joy within me so as not to rely on others to provide it. There are walls, yes, but there are also doors and windows.
So, forever, I will remember you, but not with sadness, but with great pride and appreciation. I am sorry that I could not help you, but I hope that you found your peace. In remembrance, I will make this day, July 18, a happy day. It brings me great joy to know that a little boy is celebrating his first birthday party on this day. He has the love of a wonderful family, a family that I consider to be part of my own. I know that there is balance in the universe. Happy birthday little Donovan! p.s. I'd like you to marry Kate unless of course, I someday reproduce...just putting it out there. Regardless, the Bortner-Palmer family is my little Brooklyn family, and you all have been a great comfort for me. It is nice to feel that I have a true support team and people that I can rely on to help me when I need to throw a mattress off of a sixth floor balcony :) Go team StellKat Van!
Jerrod, you will always be here, I love you and miss you and will forever.
I had an experience last night. I don't know if it means anything or not. I, was thinking about bunk beds, and for some reason what happened to your brother came to mind, and then, in a perfectly quiet room, I heard a young boy say, "Mama" from across the room. I don't know what that means, if anything, but felt compelled to pass it on, to someone who might gain something from it. I always thought alot of your Mom, and admire your strength, as well. I hesitated to even say anything, and just happened upon your blog, as a way to contact you, I just felt compelled. I pray that this causes no pain, for I can't imagine what you have gone thru.
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